Intergenerational connections: everybody wins

We don’t do families the way we used to in North America. Parents, grandparents, and children used to share the same household or were all located in the same small village or town.  In today’s world, living together in the same household is no longer the default and families are often separated by distance.

It can be hard to maintain links across the generations. The relationship between a grandparent and a grandchild however, is worth nurturing.  The research indicates that it is good for the grandparents and good for the kids. It’s so beneficial to both that a Stanford psychology professor and researcher has called for a national movement that encourages “intergenerational engagement between the young and old alike”.

Benefits for grandparents

  • Increases the frequency of smiling in older adults
  • Gives a sense of purpose
  • Fosters connection (and therefore reduces risk of loneliness and isolation)
  • Infuses energy and invigoration
  • Inspires learning – (grandkids are often great at teaching technology)

Benefits for grandkids

  • Experience of unconditional love.

Grandparents often don’t have as many distractions or responsibilities and the grandkids can savour the joys that come with undivided attention. I often hear parents say that their parents weren’t nearly as fun and loving with them as they are with their grandchildren. It’s not personal, it’s situational!

  • Positive portrayal of older adults and aging
  • Great source of learning (about family history, life experiences, what life was like before Netflix, PlayStation, cell phones, and gasp, the Internet)

Benefits for parents

  • Can give you a break and frankly, a free babysitter.
  • Gives you the satisfaction of watching your parents and kids develop close, enduring bonds
  • Preps the kids for when you get older ?

Now I am not telling you what to do (well ok, maybe I am) but seriously, having this break from parenting is a perfect opportunity to devote some time to self care and your other important relationships.

Fostering fun, pleasurable connections

The trick is to foster a relationship between your kids and your parents that is pleasurable. That means you nix guilt induced connections or framing them as an obligation. This might mean dropping the kids off for an impromptu cooking or baking lesson (or official taster!) or inviting your parents to participate in their grandkids’ lives in other ways – going to their soccer or baseball games, attending school concerts.  A sleepover at grandma’s house can be a treat for everyone (did someone say date night?)

And if there isn’t geographical proximity, technology offers many options: FaceTime, Skype (why not Skype the recital), or video links to read a bedtime story.

It really is worth the time and effort to cultivate friendship across the generations – it is a win-win for all family members.

What do you do to nurture the relationship between your kids and your parents? Let us know.

 

 

 

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  • Kat
    Fri Oct 02 2020, 09:43
    I lost my mother a long time ago but still the grief appears every so often. I think some people touch you in life so deeply that you miss them in your heart for your whole life. There is nothing specifically that helps. The pain of grief is overwhelming. However the 2 things I wanted most was company to listen to me and allow me to cry and also listen to my stories about my mother. Those 2 things are usually uncomfortable for most people to do. It makes them feel powerless because it makes them vulnerable. Even now I don't have anyone interested in hearing about how special my mother was. So I have those conversations in my head and with my mother directly. It works for me when grief comes up. Of course time softens grief but loss shows us we can love and feel. And those are 2 great gifts.
    • JaneVock
      Mon Oct 05 2020, 08:56
      The love you have for your mother can really be felt through your writing. Thanks so much for posting your comments. I completely agree that it is often really hard and uncomfortable for people to listen and be with someone who is grieving. And I absolutely loved your comment that loss shows us we can love and feel. Thank you wise one!
  • Maddie
    Wed Oct 14 2020, 21:44
    I lost my mom when I was 18. I was just about to start college, and when she died, my whole world crashed. Being 20, I found out my dad moved on and it's a tough reminder that life goes on. I wish I could talk to people who understand. Every time I talk to family members and friends about it, they say the usual. "It's life", or "you should be happy for your father because he can't be single forever" which I am of course, but those aren't the things I want to hear at the moment. It's tough because I can't seem to talk to someone without them truly understanding how I feel. My sister and even my father are a bit oblivious to how I feel because I was the closest with my mom besides my father of course. Reading articles like these make me feel like my feelings are valid which is what I admire. Grief can break someone, but it's a reminder that I'm not the only one who is feeling and dealing with these feelings of grief.
    • JaneVock
      Thu Oct 15 2020, 12:15
      Hi Maddie, Thank you so much for sharing your story. Indeed, your feelings are valid. If you are interested, you may even want to join a virtual grief group to further process and get support. One I love is https://www.beingherehuman.com/who-we-are. Take good care, Jane