What to say to someone whose parent has died
Losing a parent is never easy, no matter their age or circumstance. Death is, of course, a natural part of life. But for some, that isn’t much help to the grieving friend or family member whose parent has just died.
For the people surrounding those who are grieving, it can be difficult to know what to say to someone who lost a parent.
To make matters more complicated, there isn’t one single statement that can make every grieving person feel better. Certain things might comfort one person while making another person feel worse. That’s why it’s important to use your best judgement when offering your condolences or comforting a grieving individual.
So, what do you say to someone who has lost a parent? Read on for some helpful suggestions on what to say to a bereaved person, how to say it in a way that conveys your true sorrow, and when to offer your condolences.
What to say to a grieving person
For the people surrounding a grieving person, there are many things that could be said. But what are the things that will actually offer comfort and let the person know you’re there for them?
At the end of the day, something as simple as “I’m so sorry for your loss” or “I’m so sad for you and your family, please accept my deepest condolences” is always appropriate. But you might want to offer something a little deeper than that, especially if you are close to the bereaved.
Generally speaking, make sure that what you say does at least one of the following: Acknowledges the bereaved person’s feelings and emotions, reminds them that you are there for them, or shares favorite memories of the person who has passed. Your condolences can do just one of those things, or several at the same time.
Acknowledge the emotion
The last thing that a grieving person wants is to have their pain downplayed or dismissed. That’s why acknowledging their emotions is such an important part of what to say to someone who lost a parent.
Trying to change that person’s emotion is not the way to approach it. While your caring and compassionate heart may want to cheer up the person, it’s best not to tell them to look for a “bright side” or tell them that their loved one is in a better place. Instead, offer condolences that acknowledge the grieving individual’s deep pain and heartache.
Try:
- I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. Just know that I’m here to listen.
- It’s OK not to be OK right now.
- This is one of the most difficult things you can experience. I’m so sorry.
While someone who has lost a parent might find some comfort in hearing about your own similar loss, keep in mind that it’s not always helpful to relate your own experience with death or the loss of a parent to someone else’s situation.
In other words, you might not want to say, “I know exactly what you’re going through.” Instead, you may want to try saying, “I went through this with my mom/dad, and I know how painful it can be.”
Everyone’s grieving process is different, and what you’ve experienced in the past might not be the same as what the bereaved person is going through now. Much of this also depends on your level of closeness with the bereaved and how well you understand one another.
It’s also important to avoid assuming that you know the bereaved person believes in a higher power, unless you know them very well. Statements about “God’s plan” or “better places” might upset them.
Remind the person that you’re there for them
One of the most challenging parts of losing a parent — or any loved one, for that matter — is the sense of isolation and loneliness that can set in now that the person is gone. When offering condolences, simply reminding the bereaved that you’re there for them can be a huge help. It’s a way of offering hope for the future.
The key is to avoid placing the burden of responsibility on the bereaved themselves. Statements like “I’m only a phone call away” or “Call me if you need anything” might sound helpful in the moment, but it means that the bereaved person is the one who has to perform the action. They may not have the time or energy in their period of grief.
Try reminding the grieving person that you’re there for them with statements like:
- I will be here for you if you ever need to talk or just need someone to listen.
- I’ll come and stay with you for a few days if you’d like.
- You don’t have to talk. I’ll just sit here with you.
- I’ll call you in [a week, two weeks, etc.] to check in.
Of course, make sure you follow through on whatever it is you promise to do.
Share favorite memories
Telling the grieving person about some of your own favorite memories of the deceased is a meaningful and heartfelt way to offer your condolences to someone who has lost a parent. It turns the focus away from the fact that the person has passed away, and instead celebrates their life and the impact that they had on others.
Keep it simple and short. Brief but descriptive memories can mean a lot to those who are grieving. Here are a few examples:
- My favorite memory of your dad was the time we went on a camping trip up north. I’ll never forget how kind and helpful he was that week.
- I was a co-worker of your mother’s for 25 years. The thing I remember most is how she made everyone in the office laugh.
- The thing I’ll miss most about Ben was his smile. He never failed to light up a room when he walked in, did he?
How to say it best
It’s not just about what to say to someone who lost a parent, but how you say it.
This line of thinking can apply to many situations, and comforting someone who has lost a parent is definitely one of them. It’s important to pay attention to how you’re offering your condolences, not just what you’re saying.
First of all, don’t avoid talking to the bereaved. Yes, it can be an uncomfortable and even awkward situation, but avoiding them entirely doesn’t help.
You can keep your communication short and simple — the point is that it’s sincere and lets them know you care. You can also give the person a hug if it’s befitting of your particular relationship.
Sometimes, grieving people don’t want to talk much about their parent’s death. That’s OK — politely offer your sympathies and move on to another topic.
In other cases, the bereaved will want to talk. That’s when it’s your turn to listen. Often, a sympathetic ear can be the biggest help in the world to someone who has just lost their mother or father.
When to offer your condolences
It’s tricky to know when the “best time” is to offer your condolences to someone who has lost a parent. The truth is that there is no exact formula. It can depend on the particular situation, how close you were to the deceased or the bereaved, and whether or not you’ll be attending the funeral services.
Most of the time, offering your condolences during a viewing or just after the funeral is the way to go. If you won’t be attending these events, write your words of sympathy in a note or card to send to the bereaved. If you won’t see the bereaved until after all services have happened, sending a card is your best bet. You can reiterate your condolences in person once you do see them.
Avoid sending your condolences over social media or via text. A phone call may be appropriate depending on the situation. But most of the time, speaking in person or sending a sympathy card is the most appropriate course of action.
What to say to someone whose parent has died
Let’s face it: It’s not easy knowing what to say to someone who lost a parent. Even the most well-meaning condolences can come across as platitudes or empty promises at times. So, what can you do to make sure your sympathies are expressed in a heartfelt and comforting way?
When you keep it simple, time it as best as you can, and make sure to acknowledge the bereaved person’s emotions, your words will convey what you truly want to say. It’s also a good idea to remind the person that you’re there for them if they need to talk or vent. Also, sharing a favorite memory of the deceased is almost always helpful.
Have you recently suffered the loss of a parent, or know someone who has? We would love to hear from you about your experience and what you found most helpful during those difficult times.
Just reading the advice that you shared with me helped a lot .You had some great suggestions.
Hi, my boyfriend lost his father very recently. It was a sudden demise. I wasnt aware. I got to know after three days through a common friend of mine. So we had decided to go meet him. We showed up but he didnt feel like meeting us. We let him have his personal space. At the same time, me being a girlfriend, stuck by him on text messages. I always showed up, texted that I care and also that I am here if he needs anything. Once I had initiated a casual conversation to get him out of sad mood if, where I asked what he was doing and I asked him about his work and whether he started working or no. But it was just 5days to his dad’s demise. I am curious to know whether work related question was appropriate to ask at that point of time?
That same conversation had a part wherein he asked me that If I came in his apartment and also asked if I met his friends who had came to visit him. He already knew that these things had happened. Just after this I explained him the whole scenario of how I and his friends somehow had clashed into each other. After this he only replied with
“is it, ok”. I texted him stating, “yes I had met your friends, we spoke to each other and all, thats it.
So was the last line question that I send sounded kind of rude or very casual or very inappropriate for such situation ? Must he thought that “we spoke” was all abouy gossiping ? How did it sound. How mustve he taken it into.
I dont make calls as I feel he needs some kind of space as of now. Not even initiating to arrange meet.
Also I am very new to such situation. Am I tackling it appropriately.
What changes need to be changed.
I try to be there over text’s.
Also I feel I aint able to be best at it.
Please Help.
Hi Aafreen,
It sounds to me like your intentions are quite good. When someone is grieving, the best you can do I think is let me know you are thinking of them, being there to listen if and when they want or need this. None of us are ‘best at it’. Just know that the death of a parent is extremely significant, regardless of what the relationship was like.
Take good care, Jane
I miss my mom everyday but because she was an agoraphobe it’s hard to find people who knew her recently. I miss her so much and just want to talk to people to who knew her too. But no one else seems to know her past one night. It’s so lonely feeling like you’re the only person who met someone.
Oh my gosh Lisa. That is such a tough situation to be in. I really understand your desire to talk to people who knew your mom. Perhaps you can introduce your mom to others by writing about her? I know, that might sound or seem inadequate. Are there relatives or friends who can share with you about life before she became agoraphobic?
Please take good care, Jane
Not only did I lose my dad last May after a difficult time related to Parkinson’s & numerous falls, I also lost my husband 16 years ago when I was just 47. Most meaningful were cards with handwritten messages & stories i instigated on fun or crazy life lived, way before celebration of life term existed. I insisted on same format when my dad died, with siblings @ 1st Xmas after, with mom. Huge success! Made an awful holiday something we all had a laugh over. Even mom seemed pleased. Btw- my dad wanted cremation & no service, so this was his send off. He always gave me a hard time growing up- too much stubborn like him!
Thanks so much Jil for sharing. I love how you were doing ‘celebration of life’ before it existed as a concept! I can feel the love you had and continue to have for your husband and dad.
Take good care, Jane
I have never lost a parent, but when I grieve sometimes it’s not until a year later. My friend just lost her dad and when she told me via text, she mentioned she wasn’t interested in sympathy. So what do I say or do when someone doesn’t want sympathy? It’s always been difficult for me to say anything so I’ve always chose to not say anything for fear of making matters worse, but maybe that is not good either.
https://twentyonetoys.com/blogs/teaching-empathy/brene-brown-empathy-vs-sympathy
The above provides the best description I have seen to explain empathy, and how it is different from sympathy! Hope it helps.
Jane
I lost my 96 year old mom 8 weeks ago after a very brief illness. I was her and my 98 year old dad’s caregiver. I was very lucky to have my folks for so very long. Longer than anyone I know. I received the usual condolences after mom’s death. No funeral, no burial. What disappoints me is not being asked how I’m doing now. I’m asked how my dad is doing, which I’m grateful for, but what about me? I’m still hurting.
Mom was my first significant loss, other than grandparents who lived long lives.
Hi Ann,
Yes, it is so often the case. When you are a caregiver, as you still are for your dad, people tend to ask how they are, and not the caregiver. And that obviously extends to losses and grieving. My mom died about a year ago, and I could never have imagined just how difficult and significant this loss is. The fact that your mom was 96 doesn’t diminish the loss or attendant grief. Take good care!
Jane
Thanks so much for sharing this. Someone I really care about just lost hid nephew and somehow …..i feel his grief. Thanks for letting me know the best way to make him feel better.
Thanks for sharing Ambani. I can tell you are a very caring person!
Take good care, Jane
Thanks for your response Ambani–glad to hear it was helpful.
Take good care, Jane
I have a young friend in her early twenties that just lost her mother to complications from medical problems. I am about her mother’s age. She lives in England and I live in Alaska and would like to say comforting things to her. She is only in contact with me through instant messaging and I just heard about the death today. I don’t have her phone number to give her a phone call and listen to her in person. I sent her messages expressing how sorry I am for her loss, and I told her that I am here for her to listen to her thoughts and feelings and that she is not alone. She has expressed that she doesn’t know what to do , and that her mother was her everything. From what I know of the girl, she lived alone with her mother, and her mother was her everything. I would greatly appreciate any additional counseling in what to say to her that can help her live through this terrible loss. And come out with out feeling as though she has lost everything worth living for.
Hi Ron,
It sounds like you are already doing what you can…can just being there to listen to her thoughts and feelings. If you are worried about her, you may want to suggest she reach out to her doctor. Really, the main thing is to just be there to listen, with empathy, and no judgement, which you are already doing!
Take good care, Jane
Wonderful.
My girlfriend just lost her mum, it’s very hard for her considering the close relationship she had with her and me as her boyfriend I’m stuck between the pain I know she’s going through right and and also don’t know how to approach the situation
Her phone has been off since last night, but what’s budging me right now is, when she finally switch on her phone I don’t know what to say to sooth her pain than “I’m sorry for your loss”
And I really wish to say something more that that to her, be her confidant and all…. Please I need help on how to go about this
It is less about saying the right thing and more about just communicating that you are there for her, to listen, to be with her through her grief. Best thing is not to avoid it -bring it up and a good start is your ‘”I am sorry for your loss”.
Take good care, Jane
I know someone who has lost their father. My message is it is okay to lean on your friends and family then can get you through this. If you know someone who has lost someone at a different time make sure they know they can lean on you. Celebrate the deceased life they are at peace
Your words are very well thought out and presented kindly and honestly. Although I have been conducting funerals for many years, it is always good to be reminded of the sensitivity and precautions one must observe in this role. Thank you.
Thank you for the feedback Gary. Take good care.
Hi, My boyfriend lost his dad about 4 days ago and I just found out yesterday. I was really hurt about this because I knew him personally since I was little. I don’t know how to start the conversation with my boyfriend because he probably thinks i don’t care or something, I mean it’s been four days already… We are in different countries rn, I wanted to send a text message but I read that it’s inappropriate to do so and I’m unable to reach him? this is really harder than I thought
Thank you. This was a very helpful article.
I found your advice very useful – simple and to the point.
Thanks.
Thanks for letting us know! Take good care.
thank you very much for the precious information
im really grateful for it at a time like this
Really happy to hear the information has helped! Take good care.
I just wanted few words to remember all bereaved families in a paragraph
I lost my mother in 2004 & that was the worst thing in the world to endure My mama was my best friend and not only was I her daughter I was her caretaker and witnessed all the pain & suffering she went. It was a long time before I could come to any sense of peace.i knew my mama was in peace and she’d gone to heaven, but I was left behind doesn’t matter how old a person is you greave in your way and time..I’d like to say to anyone If you have parents visit them listen to the stories of their past and growing up days. I Thank God for the great memories she left me with. That makes life easier. Until u see them again
Hi Brenda,
Thanks so much for sharing such a heartfelt message. Take good care, Jane
I lost my dad on 12/06/2020, the weird thing is that we had planned a beautiful Christmas. And his birthday the next day of Christmas was his birthday 26, and now its bee almost 7 months and I can not get over the fact that he is no more. Yet everyone tells me that I will get over it. But I want to say this is something I will never get over. I will always love him and miss him. I came to this site looking for advice . cos my best friend lost his dad only 2 days ago and I can not understand how to talk to him about it. cos when I lost my Dada there were no words to comfort me. All I had was sorry for your lose . so i dont want the same feeling for him. hope fully your article helps. thank you .
Hi Desiree,
I hope this article helped you find the words, and realize, what is less important than the words is simply being there for the person. And I agree, you don’t ever ‘get over it’. You learn to live with the loss but/and we carry those we love in our hearts always.
Take good care, Jane
Thanks for this
I lost my beautiful Mom Nov 12th., 2020. I found some of the people I thought would reach out or offer their help during that time weren’t there. I’m having a hard time finding forgiveness in that. They of all people should know how important a Mother is to them but they fell very short of offering their support during one of the most difficult times of my life.
Hi Becky,
I am sorry to hear about the loss of your “beautiful Mom”. I understand it may not be much of a consolation, but many people really don’t know what to do or say when it comes to comforting someone who is grieving. In my experience, it is primarily the people who have experienced that particular loss, who really get it (so, those who have lost a Mom as well). In my experience, forgiveness is also a process and rarely a one time act. Please do take care.
Thank u so so much. A friend of mine, more like a neighbour just lost her mom to cancer, we’re just 16 and i felt horrible. I was at a loss for words. What if I dont say anything, she has a close friend, she will console her ri8? Or what if what I say hurts her even more. I was desparate, desparate enough to actually ask google and didnt really expect such a good article. What you said really helped me and i tried my best to talk to her using ur tips. I really hope she isnt hurt by what i said and i hope she realises that all of us are there for her.
Hi ARN,
You sound like a loving, caring friend/neighbour and I am sure that is what came through!! Thanks for sharing how you used the tips we offered. Take good care, Jane
My friend lost his dad when he was just a year old, his mom was the only one that catered for him and his two sisters for 18years, He just celebrated his 19th birthday on the 12th of September and his mom died yesterday 26th September. Their situation is so painful because I can also feel the pain and huge hole in my heart too, she was such a lively soul and very energetic too. She traveled to the village for her niece’s wedding and she came back on the 17th of September, she fell collapsed and had an acute stroke on the 20th of September and died yesterday.
I cried so much I couldn’t cry anymore, it was such a shocking news in church yesterday. I don’t even know what to say to my friend, because every one of us in our group knows that everything he does, he does it for his mom. Yesterday he was asking me if there’s another reason he should live. I feel so weak and broken and I can’t even imagine what he could be going through
Hello Peace,
Yes this grief sounds huge for both you and your friend. I hope you can support one another and that the members of the Church can also support the both of you.
A very close friend recently lost her dad and she was very close to him. Initially i didnt know what to say to her or how and couldn’t meet either. I really wanted to visit her thinking that would be better than a text or call but couldn’t due to some circumstances. Its been 9 days since the death and i don’t know how to console her and tell her i am really sorry for not being there when she needed it . What should i do? How should i approach her? Would it be okay explaining her why i wasn’t there at this time?
Hi Akansksha,
I think that being honest, and speaking from the heart, is what you can offer to your close friend. I hope she is able to hear you! Take good care.
My friend was unhelpful when my dad died I was devastated and she said now you know what it feels like to lose your father don’t you it was a cruel comment
Hi Wendy,
It sounds like your friend is still in a great deal of pain regarding the loss of her father. Sorry she wasn’t able to offer you support in your grief. Take good care.
Thankyou, it was really helpful!
You are most welcome.
I think these tips are helpful, i used most of them if not all of them myself.But it sounds like these words would be received more likely in the ears of a person who has not confessed their sins, as well as a GOD SEEKING PERSON. How ever, i have found that if we know that the bereaved family member has a strong relationship with God or is seeking a relationship with him, insertion of scriptures are always a great help to the above tips
May our Heavenly Father continue to bless us all;
Minsiter Winston
If someone does have a strong relationship with God or is seeking a relationship with him, indeed this would be a great additional tip.Thanks for sharing.
My best friend’s dad just die before 5 days. She reached me out on text about her dad. It was very distrusting for me. I know her very well. Even if she act normal on text, I can easily caught her. It’s my duty to make her feel better. But sometimes it’s very difficult, because it’s a thing like cannot be fixed.. she knows am always there for in every situation no matter what happens because we are best friends forever 🙂
Actually Aniket,
I would suggest it is more helpful to be at her side while your friend is grieving. It doesn’t really help someone to try and make them feel better, as grieving is a natural response to loss. You do sound like a great friend!!
After losing my father, two weeks before I went to college, someone said, as you mentioned in your article, ” I can’t imagine what you are going through.” NOT HELPFUL. So, I’m having to live through it and you CAN’T EVEN IMAGINE IT?? That phrase makes the distance between you and me even further and makes me feel even more sad and now disconnected to you. My two cents. Thank you!
My condolences to you Lisa. Thanks for sharing your “two cents”! It can be helpful for others to know how these comments “land” for people.
I have great memories of romping around on your family’s farm. I remember in the midst of all the work that your dad tried to make things fun. And how he was always a good listener.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
What helped fora min. When my sister’s and I lost our mother was to come together and spend time together or a phone call every 2 days to see how each other was doing
I love the fact that you mutually support each other Tammy. Thanks for sharing.
Jane
Yes, at that time it is not that easy to calm down someone with such experience but with calm words, hugging, allowing someone to cry out loud, helped me comfort my husband when he lost her mum in 2022.
Tomorrow it will be exactly 3 weeks since the death of both of my parents. My sister discovered our dad dead in the entranceway. She yelled for our mom only to also find her also dead. We think that they both had a heart attack but are still waiting for the toxicology results. I saw them both the day before and they were fine.. I still feel like this is just a dream. As if the death of them wasn’t bad enough it was also a crime scene. I am so sad inside and my heart just continues to hurt. I just don’t know how to move on with life. Reaching out for support so I don’t feel so alone.
My goodness Tina, I am so sorry to hear this. Please do reach out for support. You may want to start with your doctor or just google grief support (I can’t direct you any further because I don’t know where you are writing from). Because this is also a possible criminal matter, the police may be able to direct you to services to support you, like victim assistance programs. Take good care, Jane
I just lost my mother 3 months ago today, rather they found her dead. rather I didnt lose her, i know where i left her but i received that one phone call I never ever would wish anyone. and yet, i know shes not here anymore but , well at least thats what i understand. and i dont know what i am suppose to feel, but every so often, when i begin to cry I brush it off, because I dont know.
Hi Rosalinda,
I know this can sound trite but the only way through grief is to grieve…allow yourself to feel any and all feelings that come up…take good care, Jane
My wife (37) just lost her mother (63) on Monday due to heart disease. Her mom was an amazing person, full of life, love, and was incredibly selfless. My wife was an only child and her mom was her best friend. I met my wife through her mom so she and I had a special relationship and was the best mother-in-law one could ask for. My wife is understandably devastated. I have done my best to be there for her as a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and a safe place to cry and lose it if she’s needed to. My concern is the upcoming mothers day holiday. My mother in law wanted to be cremated with no funeral, instead she requested a celebration of life. My wife and her dad decided that the day before mothers day was a good idea. I don’t know how to honor both her mom and her on mothers day as they both deserve it. I don’t want mothers day to be a day that she dreads every year because her mom is gone. I want to help her find a way to celebrate that day and what an amazing mother hers was. I guess I’m asking for help in making mothers day a happy memory somehow.
Hi Bryan,
Sorry this is after Mother’s Day! You sound like an incredible loving and supportive husband. My experience is that first events, such as birthdays, holiday time, and this example, Mother’s Day, can be tough AND eventually we are able to remember our mothers, and others we love who have died, without all the pain of the loss attached.
Please take good care, Jane
Hi, I lost my dad 9 months ago and I am still recovering as of now. I have this friend who knew everything, about my emotions and rants. Sometimes, she used to share her funny memories with her dad. I also shared my memories with my dad while he was alive. However, I sometimes feel miserable and sad whenever she talks about father-daughter relationships, every single day. Knowing that I am still coping with my father’s death since I have told her recently that hearing someone mentioning “dad” reminds me of my dad and that hurts me. But I don’t blame her or envy that her family is happy and complete, but I am just sad and trying to move on. But she constantly reminds me of my dad, by sharing her memories with her dad or ask me about father-daughter relationships. I bottled up my emotions and when I cannot handle it anymore, I ignored her and wanting to cut my ties off with her for good. Is this okay? I don’t know really know what to do.
Hi Jane,
You clearly loved your father deeply. You may want to consider telling your friend what you are experiencing and perhaps she can check in with you before sharing. I would like to suggest that your friend may be triggering grief responses, but she isn’t creating them. That is, they are already inside you. You may need to pay attention, however, to much you can handle at any given time. My take generally is that we have to ‘grieve it out’, and eventually, we are able to hear such stories from others without all the pain. Please do take care.
Jane
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